Judgment Thrives Where Our Own Pain Is Absent
(Leia em 🇧🇷Português aqui)
Have you ever noticed that the things you judge most harshly in others are rarely the very things that cut deepest within you? Instead, they’re often the areas where you feel relatively safe. The subtle truth is this: judgment thrives where our own pain is absent.
Think about it.
When you’ve lived through something deeply painful - loss, anxiety, rejection, burnout - you rarely meet it in others with judgment. Instead, you meet it with compassion. You understand. You know what it feels like to carry that burden, so rather than criticising, you soften.
On the other hand, the traits and choices that don’t touch your pain are often the ones you pick apart. You might judge someone’s career decisions, their lifestyle, their appearance, or even their coping strategies. Why? Because those things don’t stir up your own wounds. They don’t trigger empathy; they create distance. And in that distance, judgment finds room to grow.
My story: Living under the weight of judgment
When my child was little, eating was always a struggle. My kid would only eat a very limited range of foods, and despite my endless attempts to introduce variety, it just wasn’t happening.
And then came the fingers pointed at me… accusing, certain, sharp.
“You’re a bad mother.”
“You don’t cook for your kid.”
“You’re lazy.”
“Your kid doesn’t eat because you never offered food.”
The judgments poured in, each one like a dagger, each one making me question myself. But none of those critics had lived with an atypical child who simply would not eat beyond a narrow handful of foods. None of them knew the tears, the guilt, the endless trial-and-error, or the ache of worrying every single day about your child’s nutrition and well-being.
One of the hardest moments came after one of my child's therapy sessions. I had a barely verbal kid by my side, a baby balanced on my hip, a stroller, trays of food in my hands, and the only thing my older child would eat at that mall food court: french fries. After weaving through the packed crowd, I finally managed to settle us at a table, exhausted but relieved that at least we could have lunch.
And then, out of nowhere, an older woman got up from her table, walked straight to mine, pointed her finger in my face, and said:
“You shouldn’t be feeding fries to your child. She needs a balanced meal. You’re being a bad mother and harming her.”
I have faced many trials in my life, but having those words flung in my face, during some of my most vulnerable years, is something I will never forget. I wasn’t just fighting through exhaustion, fear, and the daily challenges of parenting an atypical child: I was also battling the crushing weight of strangers’ judgments.
And here’s the truth: people judged because they didn’t share that pain. If they had known it firsthand, they wouldn’t have criticised so easily. They might have offered support, or even a helping hand, instead of condemnation.
Judgment as a mirror
This is the heart of it: judgment is a mirror. It reflects the places where we haven’t felt pain. When someone judged me about my child’s eating, it wasn’t about me: it was about their distance from my reality. They could stand apart, safe in their assumptions, untouched by my struggle.
But here’s the paradox: judgment doesn’t elevate anyone, it disconnects us. While pain connects us through empathy, judgment isolates us through comparison.
Shifting from judgment to curiosity
Instead of asking, “Why don’t you just cook something else for your child?” imagine if someone had asked, “That must be so hard for you: how do you cope?”
Instead of criticism, curiosity would have opened the door to connection, to compassion, to a supportive conversation.
Compassion heals…
When you notice yourself judging or criticising, pause and reflect:
Is this something I’ve experienced myself?
If not, could that be why it feels so easy to judge?
What if, instead of judging, I met this with curiosity or compassion?
By turning judgment into reflection, you deepen your own self-awareness. You also cultivate more connection with others, because compassion has a way of softening even the hardest divides.
The next time you catch yourself criticising, remember: judgment is not about them, it’s about you. It points to the places where your pain has not been touched, where empathy has not yet been invited.
And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of judgment - as I was in that food court - you’ll know how much difference compassion can make. Because where judgment wounds, compassion heals.
